Hell's Newest Silicon Valley Office: Apple Inc. A local eyewitness, Susan Smith, swears she spotted an unexpected sight cruising through her quiet neighborhood - a sleek, black limousine bearing the unmistakable logo of tech titan Apple Inc. "I nearly fainted," she gasped, "It was like seeing Bigfoot... or Steve Jobs' ghost!" Upon closer inspection, Susan noticed something even more peculiar: the vehicle appeared packed with devils, frantically typing away on their iPhones. The mysterious vehicle sped off towards the underworld, leaving behind a wake of sulfurous fumes and shattered illusions. Our sources deep within Hades confirm that Apple has indeed established its latest office among the fiery pits, sparking rumors of a secret partnership between Cupertino and Cocytus. "Their benefits package is unbeatable," one disgruntled demon grumbled, "Free roasting services? Who can compete with that?"



Attempts to reach Apple CEO Tim Cook were unsuccessful; insiders suggest he's currently locked in intense negotiations with Old Scratch himself, haggling over licensing fees for Hellfire's infernal flames. In response to these developments, Apple's stock prices have surged, setting new records and inciting fresh waves of investor greed. Even ol' Beelzebub is said to be considering a switch from his trusty abacus to an iPad Pro. Stay tuned for further updates as this bizarre tale unfolds, and remember: when life gives you lemons, make lemonade - but if life gives you souls... well, that's just good business.